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Scully's thoughts after returning from Arizona.



RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: V, A
KEYWORDS: post-ep
SPOILERS: Within/Without
DISCLAIMER: I obviously have no ownership of these characters or their lives, because if I did, none of this ever would have happened and the second movie would be filming right now. CC, 1013, and FOX are completely to blame.


* * * * *

I've never cried so much in my life as I have this past week. I don't know if it's the hormones, or just grief, or frustration, or anger, or exhaustion. I've felt them all, in a seemingly endless cycle. But I don't know what's worse, the incessant crying, or when the crying finally stops. I cling to these feelings because they keep you alive to me. The pain is my only tether to you, my umbilicus.

I keep having these dreams, and I wonder if we've forged some connection. I truly hope not, because the things I see are horrific. I'm probably just projecting my own memories onto the fears about why they took you, and my mind is supplying the images....

I hope to God that what I'm seeing isn't true.

So many things have happened in the last week that I just don't understand. I've been told things about you, and I know most of them aren't true, but I can't believe that they would have fabricated the medical records, and the headstone.

The headstone. What am I supposed to think of that? Why didn't you tell me?

But, in a way, things make sense to me now. Spender told me he was dying, not from the cigarettes but from complications from brain surgery. The same surgery that was performed on you. I always feared there would be repercussions, that your speedy recovery was too good to be true. But I never dreamed that you wouldn't tell me about it.

What were you afraid of? That I might run off with him again to find the cure for you? That I would have to sit back and watch you die, like you did with me? How would you have felt if I didn't tell you about the cancer? Because that's how I felt when I learned about this. I thought we always told each other the truth, no matter what. I thought it was the one thing we both agreed on.

But then again, you always did try to protect me from the truth. Ironic, isn't it, when you claimed the truth could save me? How can I save you, if you hide the truth from me?

I'm not angry with you, really, I'm just...lost. This isn't the way things were supposed to be. You were supposed to come back from Oregon with Skinner. You were supposed to be the one standing by my hospital bed. You were the one I was supposed to tell.

They said other things to me about you, these men who brought me your headstone. They said that you were a man with nothing left to lose, a man whose life and career were circling down the drain, and that such a man would risk anything for what he believes in. And I can't help but think, did you board that spaceship on purpose? Did you go with the ship to find the truth? If only you had waited, you would have learned just how much you had left to live for.

I came to a decision today, and I hope you can forgive me. You may have been willing to risk everything, but I cannot. There is too much at stake now.

The UFO sightings have stopped, and I no longer know where to look. But even if I could find the ship, how would I get you back? And at what cost? I can't take the chance that they would take me too. I'm willing to risk myself, my life, my career. But I can't risk the life of our child. Unfortunately, I already did.

I was so afraid that I'd lost the baby when the Bounty Hunter threw me across the room. He picked me up with such ease and tossed me like a rag doll, as though it were something so simple, so inconsequential. But, for me the consequences were grave. The doctors say I was lucky. The baby should be gone.

If it were just me, I would stop at nothing to find you. But there's too much to lose. I would never forgive myself if something happened to our child. This is our future. Your future. And it is the instinct of any parent to sacrifice themselves for their offspring. If you were here, I know you would be willing to make that sacrifice. The hardest part for me is making the choice to sacrifice you.

I swear, I will do everything I can to bring you back. I can only apologize if it isn't enough. I only hope that you were wrong about them not returning the abductees. I pray every day that you will come home to us.

Please, come home to us.

I miss you.


* * * * *

Author's Notes: I don't watch these episodes very often because I get too emotional about it all. Blame it on TNT. This was just my catharsis after riding that rollercoaster again.


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