TITLE: Great Expectations 15: Joy to the World
AUTHOR: bellefleur
EMAIL ADDRESS: bellefleur1013@yahoo.com
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: sure
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: V
KEYWORDS: UST
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; they belong to CC, FOX, etc.  
SUMMARY: New parenthood brings new experiences.

Notes: Thanks to my beta UnderMySkinner (X-PhileChick#35).  
All previous parts for this series can be found at: 
www.geocities.com/bellefleur1013/Great_Expectations_toc.html

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Strains of music niggled at my consciousness, serenading me 
as I drifted awake.  The tune was somehow familiar, but I 
couldn't quite figure out the words.  

It took me a minute to orient myself through the lingering 
haze of sleep and pain meds.  When I shifted a little in 
the bed, however, the persistent ache in my lower abdomen 
quickly brought it all flooding back: hospital; c-section.  

The last few days had been a blur.  I'd spent the majority 
of that time in bed trying to recover from the surgery, 
drowsing more often than not.  At first, I had been 
resistant to taking pain medication because I worried that 
it would be transmitted through my breast milk.  But the 
nurse eventually convinced me that the pain would only 
hinder my milk coming in, so I reluctantly agreed to take 
some ibuprofen.  

In the midst of all my sleeping, the only truly cogent 
memories I had were the precious moments each day that I 
spent in the neonatal unit visiting the "fruits of my 
labor," so to speak.  It wasn't easy for me to get up and 
around, but I insisted on making the trip as often as I 
could manage.  Although the girls were born healthy, they 
had been kept under close observation for the first 24 
hours.  By the second day, their bilirubin levels had 
become elevated, indicating jaundice, so they had to spend 
some time under bili lights until their levels dropped.  It 
was frustrating not to have them in my room, but I just 
kept telling myself that the main priority was for all of 
us to get healthy, and then we would have plenty of time 
together once we got home.

Elvis.  For some reason I thought that was an Elvis song.  
But which one?

As I became more alert, I realized who was singing.  The 
tune may have been from Elvis, but the voice was definitely 
Mulder's.  He was singing so quietly that I couldn't pick 
up more than snatches of the melody.  Carefully rolling 
onto my side in the direction of his voice, I was met with 
the most precious sight I had ever seen: Mulder was sitting 
by the window rocking a tiny bundle in his arms and gazing 
down at her with complete abandon.  As if that weren't 
enough to melt my heart, I finally recognized what he was 
singing:

"...But I can't help falling in love with you."

I don't know if I made a noise or he just sensed my eyes on 
him, but before long I saw him glance up at me.  But his 
attention quickly returned to the baby.

"Hey, guess who's awake?  Do you want to go see your 
mommy?"

He gently slid from the rocker and stood to approach me.  
At first, all I could make out through the layers of yellow 
blanket in his arms were two tiny fists waving in the air.  

"Who've you got there?"  

"Abby.  The doctor gave her a clean bill of health, so I 
thought it was time for her to get out and meet the world."  

While Mulder took a seat in the chair by the bed, I shifted 
back a little to make room for him to put the baby next to 
me on the mattress.  He gingerly set her down and then 
leaned in to shield her from the edge.

The peach fuzz on Abigail's crown called out to me, and I 
gently stroked it with my fingertips.  Amanda, unlike her 
sister here, had been born with a tuft of brown hair; I was 
secretly overjoyed that at least one of our girls would be 
spared the nickname "Carrots."  But the jury was still out 
on this one.  

"Well, hello there, Abigail.  Mommy's very happy to see 
you."  

I have no idea where that higher-pitched, goofy voice came 
from.  I swore I'd never do this.  Next thing you know, I'd 
be reverting to baby talk.  But Abigail didn't seem to 
mind.  She just blinked back at me drowsily.  Mulder kept 
insisting that they both had my blue eyes, no matter how 
often I reminded him that it's a recessive trait and it 
would take time for their true eye color to develop.

"Sorry we woke you.  I was trying to be quiet."

My goofy voice appeared again, unbidden.  "Was your daddy 
singing to you?" 

I think we were both a bit surprised by how easily the 
title slipped off my tongue.  It's not like this was new 
information.  In fact, everyone around here seemed to know 
Mulder as "Dad."  But there were just so many details that 
we hadn't quite sorted out yet--not least of all the full 
names on the birth certificates.

As usual, "Dad" had a comeback.  "I figured I'd better 
start them on Elvis early, before you corrupt them with 
Three Dog Night."  I felt sure he was grinning at me, but I 
didn't look up to catch it; I was too bewitched by my 
daughter.  

"How's Amanda doing?"

"She's still a little jaundiced, so they want to keep her 
in neonatal a bit longer.  Your mom's in with her now.  
Hopefully by tomorrow night, we should be able to take them 
both home." 

Ah, yes--Home.  We'd been avoiding that conversation for 
the last couple of days.  I finally tore my eyes away to 
look up at him.

"Mulder, I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

His nonchalant tone didn't deceive me.  The fact that he 
was avoiding my eyes clued me in that he had a good idea 
what I was talking about.

"For the way I overreacted about the house."

"No, you were right, Scully.  I should've talked to you 
about it first."

"Well, I won't argue with that."  

One of Abigail's feet kicked free of her wrapping, and I 
watched while Mulder played with her tiny toes.  It gave us 
both something to look at besides each other.

"Mom told me all about the house.  She said it's beautiful.  
Personally, I think she's hoping that we'll decide to stay 
at the apartment and give her the house instead."

Mulder snickered, and I glanced up to meet his teasing 
eyes.  "If she expects the twins to come with it, then no 
deal."

I played along with him.  "You think we should keep them, 
huh?"

"After all the hard work I did?  You betcha."

"The hard work YOU did?"

"Yeah, I managed not to pass out in the delivery room.  You 
have no idea what hard work that was."

I rolled my eyes at him, and he just laughed.  Was it too 
late to hope that my daughters wouldn't inherit Mulder's 
sense of humor?

Abigail's little fist stretched into the air as she 
released a big yawn, and I gave in to the temptation to 
intercept it.  Her hand readily closed over the finger that 
I slipped into her palm.  She had quite a grip.

With some reluctance, I continued the conversation.  "So, 
um, did Skinner move the cribs over to the house?"

"Uh, no.  I thought it would be best to wait on that."

I tried to keep my tone light, but I couldn't entirely 
squelch my anxiety over what I was about to commit to.  
"Maybe you should give him a call, see if he's free 
tonight.  It would be nice to have everything set up before 
we bring the babies home."

"Scully."  Mulder settled a hand on mine to catch my 
attention.  "Are you sure about this?"

If I hadn't already known my answer, the hopeful look in 
his eyes would have secured it for me.  "Yeah.  I am."

God, I wish he'd smile like that more often.  Or maybe I 
should be grateful that he doesn't because of the way it 
turns my insides to mush.

My brain had just registered that Mulder was slowly leaning 
closer with his eyes fixed on my lips when we were 
interrupted by a gentle knock at the door.  A woman I had 
seen floating around the maternity ward over the past few 
days was poking her head in.

"Mr. and Mrs. Scully?"

"Uh, I'm Dana.  This is Mulder."

"You can just call me 'Dad.'"  As usual, he was beaming 
with pride when he said that.

The woman came through the door and took a few steps toward 
the bed.  "My name's Nancy Mason.  I'm a lactation 
consultant here at the hospital.  I heard that Abigail had 
come by for a visit, and I thought I'd see if you'd like 
some help getting her to nurse."

"Yeah, if you don't mind."  After several abbreviated 
attempts at breastfeeding in the neonatal unit and lots of 
pumping, I had my trepidations about how well this might 
work, but I was eager to try.  Now that my milk was coming 
in, I hoped that things might start to go more smoothly.

Mulder, however, apparently didn't share my eagerness; he 
was out of his chair like a shot.  "Um, I should give you 
ladies some privacy.  I'll just head down the hall..."

"Hold up there, Dad.  We're going to need your help."

"My he-lp?"

I think that's the first time I'd ever heard Mulder's voice 
crack.  I might have found it rather charming--if he didn't 
look like a deer caught in the headlights.

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"My he-lp?"

My voice hadn't cracked like that since high school.  Maybe 
that's because this scenario made me feel like an awkward 
teenager again.  I didn't know a whole lot about nursing, 
but I did know one thing: breasts were involved.  Naked 
ones.

"Yes.  It's especially important that you know how to help 
Dana get comfortably settled into the right position.  The 
incision from the c-section will make it difficult for her 
to cradle the baby as she normally would, and she'll also 
need help with the lifting and carrying for the first few 
weeks."  

The consultant turned away from me and walked over next to 
Scully, close to the spot that I had just vacated.  "There 
are two different positions that we usually recommend after 
a section.  One is lying down on your side.  Since you're 
already in that position, we'll try that one for now.  The 
other is the football hold, which is particularly helpful 
if you want to try nursing both babies in tandem."

Football hold?  I suddenly got a flash of Brett Favre 
palming the pigskin and pumping it in the air, looking 
downfield for a receiver.  That can't be what she was 
referring to.  

My confusion about this term quickly gave way to guilt; I 
felt responsible for my ignorance.  For all of my avid 
reading about pregnancy and labor, you'd think I would know 
a thing or two about breastfeeding.  But the fact was, only 
once had I opened a chapter on the subject, and after just 
one glance at the pictures, I'd slammed the book shut and 
couldn't go back.  

Now, I'm no stranger to pictures of naked breasts--therein 
lay the problem.  How is a guy supposed to look at the 
pictures in that book, or read the words "nipple" and 
"suck" in the same sentence, and not get...titillated?  
It's just a natural response to a stimulus.  But I'd felt 
like a schmuck about the whole thing, so I decided to avoid 
the topic entirely.  I was really hoping this was one part 
of parenting that Scully could manage without me.  So far, 
I'd been able to keep my distance from all the suckling 
going on around here, but now my luck seemed to have run 
out.

Nancy was still talking, although I admit I wasn't paying 
much attention until she turned and looked right at me.  
"Dad, if you'll come over here, I'll show you how you can 
help Dana get settled with some extra pillows to keep her 
comfortable."

"Pillows.  I can do pillows."

Maybe this would be easier than I thought.  I felt the 
anxiety abate a little as I focused on this familiar task.  
I detoured over to the chair by the window where we had 
piled up some of our belongings over the last few days and 
extracted two pillows that I'd brought from our personal 
stash.

Following Nancy's instructions, I maneuvered one pillow 
under Scully's head for extra support and the other between 
her knees, trying not to jostle her too much in the 
process.  

"It's also important to place pillows behind her back to 
avoid any stress on her abdomen.  But, since we've run out 
of pillows for now, we can use you instead.  If you'll just 
spoon up behind Dana here, that way you can provide back 
support and also have a bird's eye view of what we're 
doing."

Okay, maybe this wouldn't be easier than I thought.  Unlike 
my eager response to the woman's last request, I hesitated 
at this one, and apparently a little too long.  She was 
frowning at me, probably wondering if she'd have to draw me 
a diagram.  But Scully...she was looking back at me with 
such simple longing that I knew I couldn't say no.  It was 
obvious how important this was to her.  After all, this was 
an experience she'd thought she could never have.  It was 
time for me to suck it up and do anything I could to make 
this happen.

I made my way to the side of the bed, probably more slowly 
than I should have, but I was trying to get my breathing 
under control.  Too bad we didn't master that Lamaze thing 
since it might have come in handy just about now.  I slid 
into the standard spooning posture behind Scully, careful 
not to press up against her too much, which was almost 
impossible considering how narrow this bed was.  We'd slept 
in this position so much in the past few weeks that it was 
like second nature, but recently there had been a wall of 
pillows between us.  I don't know if Scully had ever caught 
on to the reason why I always rolled away from her before 
she woke up: I didn't think she'd appreciate finding my 
morning erection pressed into her back.

Now that I was finally doing what I was supposed to, the 
ladies ignored me and continued their conversation, but I 
had tuned out again.  I don't think either of them 
understood how hard this was for me (no pun intended).  
This wasn't just any woman we were talking about; it was 
Scully, the woman that I'd fantasized about undressing for 
years.  It's not that I hadn't seen her naked before.  In 
fact, during the labor, I'd seen a whole lot more of her 
than I think she ever intended.  Then again, so did half 
the hospital.  But this was so much more...intimate.  And 
no matter what I kept telling myself, my Neanderthal male 
brain just couldn't get past the basic fact that I was 
about to get an up close view of Scully's bare breasts.

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

By Scully's expression, I realized that Nancy must have 
said something that I was supposed to respond to.

"Uh, sorry."  I gave Nancy my full attention. 

"Since Dana's got her hands full, you'll need to help her 
get the gown open.  This one unsnaps at the shoulder."

Yeah.  This was the part I was afraid of.  Scully was 
dutifully tilting her head out the way to give me clear 
access to the snaps, so I took a deep breath and launched 
in.  It was a little awkward to get a grip on them from 
this angle, but I managed, only fumbling slightly in the 
process.  So far, so good.

I leaned back in relief at having accomplished that much, 
only to realize that both women were looking at me again.  
Oh.  They wanted this thing open.

I decided that the best approach was not to stare directly 
at IT.  So, I got a grip on the fabric, looked over at the 
chair, and pulled back the flap.  Then I started breathing 
again and quickly got my hands out of the way--but out of 
the corner of my eye, I caught the motion of the fabric 
falling right back into place.  Even gravity was conspiring 
against me.

"That's one of the drawbacks of this type of gown when you 
nurse lying down.  We should see about getting you 
something different to wear."  Nancy seemed to be talking 
more to Scully than to me, which was probably a good thing 
since I was having concentration issues.  "For now, we 
should just tuck this flap inside to keep it out of the 
way."

She said "we," but I could tell that she meant me.  Scully 
was momentarily distracted by the baby, which made this a 
little easier.  I decided to just go for it, and I tried 
not to acknowledge the sensation of my fingers brushing up 
against her unexposed breast when I tucked the fabric up 
inside her gown.

"There.  Now, let's try getting Abigail to latch on with 
the technique I just described."

I must have missed that part of the conversation.  Anyway, 
Nancy seemed to be focused on Scully again, so I zoned out.  
I was trying with all my willpower to look anywhere except 
down at the expanse of milky white skin and rosy nipple 
that my peripheral vision traitorously insisted on seeing.  

"She's a natural."  Nancy sounded pretty impressed by 
whatever had just happened.

"Oh, Mulder, look at that."

So I looked.  And what I saw was more amazing than I had 
ever imagined.  Our baby had her tiny mouth latched onto 
Scully's flesh and was suckling with gusto, eagerly drawing 
nourishment from her mother.  In that moment, I had an 
epiphany--so *that's* what breasts were for.  I had already 
known this, of course, at least cognitively.  But this was 
the first time it really sank in.

"Wow, she's really going to town."  I leaned in for a 
closer look.

"I guess she was hungry."

I think Nancy said something to us, but I didn't hear it, 
fixated as I was on this miraculous sight.  By the time I 
tore my eyes away to look up at her, she was gone.  I guess 
she had left the room to give us some privacy or just 
figured we didn't need any more help.

Scully and I watched quietly in awe while Abby contentedly 
fed.  Over the years, my partner had never ceased to amaze 
me with her many talents and abilities, but this one took 
the cake.  The very fact that her body had nurtured and 
developed these two little angels was astonishing enough, 
but for some reason, this part captivated me even more, 
maybe because it was something I could see with my own 
eyes.  Of all the things Scully had experienced during the 
pregnancy, I can't say I envied her any of them, except 
only to have taken away her discomfort, but this--this was 
something I could easily grow jealous of.  I realized she 
would have a bond with our children that I never could, but 
I would never begrudge her this experience.  Watching this 
precious scene, and seeing the bliss on her face, only 
reminded me how much I loved her.

When I leaned in, I really only intended to brush a kiss on 
Scully's cheek, but she must have noticed my movement 
because she turned her head.  At first, I paused my 
approach, meaning to deflect with a joke.  But then I saw 
those inquisitive eyes smiling back at me, and I decided to 
seize the moment and aim for her lips.  This was more than 
just a quick peck.  Her lips were so soft against mine that 
I wanted to linger there indefinitely, but I also didn't 
want to push my luck.  After what was far too short a time, 
I started to pull back; I was surprised by the loud smack 
that followed.  It took a moment to register that the sound 
didn't come from us.  We both looked down at our little 
bundle of joy, who had apparently lost her solid grip on 
the nipple.

"Come back here, little one."  Scully's focus was once 
again on the baby, repositioning her to get back on task.  

I tried to tamp down my disappointment that yet another 
moment between us had been abruptly lost.  At least it 
wasn't a bee this time.  I figured, though, that I should 
get used to this.  Raising two newborns was probably the 
worst time to start an intimate relationship with somebody.  
I could see why parents were supposed to have sex *before* 
they had kids.  But since when had Scully and I ever done 
things the easy way?
 
"Just open up for me, please?"

The frustration in Scully's voice caught my attention.  
Only then did I realize this wasn't going as smoothly as it 
had before.  Scully was having some trouble getting Abby to 
latch on.  

"Do you want me to go get Nancy?"

"No, I have to figure out how to do this on my own.  C'mon, 
sweetie, aren't you hungry anymore?"

"Should we try switching sides?"

"No, I need to save some for Amanda."

"I guess it's pretty handy that you've got two of those 
things."

The glare she fired at me was priceless.  If our girls 
inherited their mother's expressions, I was really in for 
it. 

"Mulder, you're not helping."

"Sorry."  I could feel her tensing up, and I think Abby was 
starting to respond to it.  I leaned in and spoke softly 
into Scully's ear, trying to soothe her.  "Hey partner, why 
don't you take a deep breath?  Just relax a little.  I know 
you can do this."

Thankfully, she didn't argue with me, and I felt her 
release some of the tension on a heavy breath.  It took 
another couple of tries, but Abby finally got the hang of 
it.  

Settling my chin on Scully's shoulder, I admiringly watched 
our daughter continue to feed.  As tiny as she was, she was 
perfect in every way, just like her sister.  I knew they 
would grow up all too quickly, so I was trying to catalogue 
every sensation, every moment.

Even for all the time I'd spent thinking about this, it was 
still hard to wrap my brain around one simple fact: there 
were two new beings in the world that were part me and part 
Scully.  This was truly an X-File.

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End 15
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